Silence in my mind

It's amazing how silent many aspects of one's life become when you are an empty nester. Neither one of my sons can use their cell phones in their current locations. So, most of the time it remains silent, resting, waiting for someone to call so it can play the Cougar Fight Song Ringtone.

There is no background grumbling as I watch my certain shows, 24, American Idol and Top Chef. I miss that grumbling.

The house is missing the sounds of the ukelele, banjo, guitar and vinyl played on the new stereo. I am missing it.

I can ask the usual questions, "What did you do today? Have you talked to so and so today? What do you want for dinner? Are you going out tonight and if so, when will you be home?" All questions that I should have stopped asking my adult sons a long time ago anyway. Now, there are no answers coming back at me and maybe that will help me to not ask them when they are back, if they come back?

But, all is not lost. I did go on a "date" with my husband. We went to see a great movie, Gran Torino, classic Clint Eastwood and then some. We went for a walk in the Harbor and then went shopping. Then he even cooked dinner.

My renewed commitment to diet and exercise is going well and we have developed kind of a once a week dinner at the inlaws routine that is nice.

And there is comfort in silence as well. I can chat online with my son in Alaska even if not on the phone. Sometimes I think it is easier because you have time to thing about what you want to say and then type it in. And both of them are so talented on the computer that they have the most interesting of blogs, at least to me, The Traveling Halbury and Radiate Warmth. (see blogs I follow). They keep me updated on things happinging in their world and if I can't be there, I can at least live vicariously through their blogs.

And best of all, on those very special occasions that keep me going, I can see and talk to them both via Skype. It is the most amazing of technology, one that has Grandma and Grandpa Iverson caught with their mouths open in wonder. When I can see their faces and hear their voices I know I can make it until I can kiss those faces again.

I guess it's kind of like needing the rain to appreciate the sun, (no pun intended). While I never need anything to make me appreciate the family I have more than I do, it doesn't hurt to be without for awhile to really know the importance of it all.

Clearly, not much to post on this blog at this time until I really get used to this again. I will though. I just have to shake this Silence in my mind.

January 20th, 2009

It's only 10:00 am Pacific Standard time and I have shed an entire day's worth of tears. My son is on his way to England, the flight taking off a little late but taking off none the less. You would think that I have been through this enough to be able to not cry, or at least to hide my tears until he is out of sight. Not the case. I feel bad because I know he was hiding his own excitement in view of my tears and I wanted him to be excited. I don't know when I will hear from him again but I hope when I do, his travel has gone well and he will be safe.

I am so lucky to have such a loving son. We were able to spend many evenings, boring as they were for him, just being together. As he gets older these moments become ever so much more special. We were able to go for walks and the weather cooperated with sun in the afternoons. Maybe that is why it was so hard to see him actually leave. I enjoy him here so much. I have to thank him for putting up with my motherly emotions and prodding him with questions that made him feel like he was a little kid again. Do you have your passport? Did you pack your jacket? Those kinds of things. He has already traveled so much of the world I should know better.

I watched him check in and go through security until he waived a final goodbye and I couldn't see him anymore. I went to my car and cried then headed home, stopping the tears to drive.

But, on this historic day, that wasn't the end. I made it home in time to see the incredible inauguration of our 44th President Barack Obama. Maybe because I was already emotionally fragile or maybe just because it was such a hopeful moment, or both, but the tears flowed once again. I am not really sure what it means when people say a person is "real" but if it means you can believe what they say and hope in what they do, then Barack Obama is real.

These two events do tie in together to a certain degree. Not so long ago, it was not so easy to be an American traveling overseas. I experienced the disdain for our country's leadership first hand a few years ago visiting Germany when then President Bush visited with no regard for the population he affected with his visit by closing all businesses in the middle of the day within a 10 mile radius of the middle of downtown Mainz. Somehow, I don't think Barack Obama would do that and even if he did, the people would swarm to see him speak and believe in his dream. But now, I feel my son has a better, safer, experience ahead of him as he heads to England and other parts of Great Britain and Europe over the next 5 months. He won't have to hide his nationality. It will be okay to be American again. That is something.

Thankfully I know myself well enough to know that going to work after all of this would not be wise, so, as the day progresses I will watch the inauguration day events as I make order of the chaos left behind in my son's bedroom. I will hold the cat on my lap and begin the long wait for my son's return in June. I will follow his blog at haliverson.blogspot.com as it develops with his travels and be content in his happiness. Sure, there will be more tears but that's okay.

A New Beginning

The day after tomorrow will be a new beginning.

Our nation will have a new president to whom we look for an optomistic future. Barack Obama will need to make compromises he may not want to make but his strength of character will be exactly what this country desperately needs.

But the personal impact of the day after tomorrow for me is to once again be an "Empty Nester". On that day, my son heads to England where he will student teach for four months then travel Europe for another 6 weeks or so with his brother so for the next five months, mom, dad and cat will once again have to deal with life in the humdrum world of boring daily events. Get up at 4:30 am, leave for work at 5:15 am, commute for almost two hours, work and do that morning commute in reverse at 3:30. My mission, should I decide to accept it, is to make the most of this time. There has to be some redeeming factors in this whole thing.

One, I will get back into my selfish healthy regime. I have let that slide in the past few months and my body has paid for it. I will have 5 months to get it back before the boys return home and I want them to come home to a happy, healthy mom who is ready to enjoy whatever precious moments they will want to give to me.

Two, I need a hobby. I wonder what it should be? I could take up knitting, quilting, scrapbooking but these all seem a little sedentary for me. When I was in 10th grade, my parents gave me a classical guitar for Christmas. I had no idea what I was going to do with that guitar but I learned to play it and spent many hours singing and playing guitar. When I went to Germany to study for a year as fate would have it, there was a guitar abandoned in my room. I played it all year and wrote a bunch of songs about what I was feeling during that year. I have those songs somewhere, I think, unless the dog chewed them up in the garage years ago along with my journal. Music is clearly important in this family. The Alaska emotions are being well portrayed in songs written and performed by my son. He is fortunate to have a means of saving his work in a technological world that did not exist in my time. So, I think my hobby may be re-introducing guitar and singing and maybe song writing into my world. This will take as much dedication as my exercise routine. My voice needs to be exercised just like my body. My fingers need to learn to fly up and down the guitar again (well, maybe not fly but at least find their way eventually).

I could look at this next five months and become very down and wallow in the self pity of life without my sons, again. But the truth is, my life from here on out will essentially be without them at home. They will always be close, they will always be my priority but, just as I wanted, they are moving on in their lives well prepared to be happy in whatever they choose to do. I will always be there for advice, whether they want it or not. I expect there will be monumental events in their lives still to be experienced but on a day to day basis, it will be me on whom I will need to depend for my happiness and I need to use this next five months to prepare for that.

I feel so lucky to have sons who are confident enough in themselves to leave their comfort zones to experience life outside of it. I know their dad and I have helped them get to this point in their lives. So have our family and friends. They have learned from every human contact about life, emotions, self control and when to let go.

So, day after tomorrow is a new beginning for my son, for me (again) and for our country. It is good to be experiencing this today.

Enough snow!

I know it is winter and cold, wind, rain and some snow are to be expected. But after about 1 1/2 feet of snow all but stopped Christmas festivities in their tracks, do we have to have more now? I mean, really. I just got one of the two Christmas trees down. The days are slowly getting longer and it is time to move on for goodness sake!

I'm down to one son left at home until he leaves for England on January 20th. How cruel! I had two weeks with both sons home. I was just getting used to having them here, to seeing them both together and just sitting back and taking in the beauty of it all and now it's gone. I have about two weeks until the other one goes and I am back to that feeling of emptiness that takes forever to abate. I know everyone goes through it when their kids leave but I feel like I'm the only one.

Oh well, tomorrow I start a three day juice fast. That means nothing but carrot/apple or pear/ginger or orange/grapefruit juice for three whole days. Boy, if that doesn't make you appreciate the simple pleasures, I don't know what will.

Anyway, the snow will eventually clear, the days will get longer and even though my kids will be far away, I know they will be back and that fact alone will have to enough for now.